For those of you that have met me know that I’m a fairly nice person. I’m friendly and welcoming even though I think the majority of humans suck. I’m terrible at small talk and it’s the one thing that makes me itch. However, I will go out of my way to help you. I will do the right thing. However, my stance on the suckiness of the human race has been reinforced by having to deal with people while selling my furniture and cars online.
So here are some tips for you if you’re selling your belongings over the internet:
1. Don’t use your phone. Get a burner phone or buy a cheap sim card. The reason for this will become clear later.
2. If you’re a single woman (or a woman whose husband works overseas) pretend you’re married. Get your neighbour, who looks like a member of the Coffin Cheaters, but is actually a bearded, tattooed, and pierced softy, to act like your husband. (Thanks, John. You’re the best.) If you don’t have a John (or a Barry, Bruce, or a Brandon) tell potential purchasers that your husband is at work and will be home that afternoon or night. People will take advantage of a woman on their own. Not everyone, sure, but the potential is there.
3. If the potential purchasers make you uncomfortable for any reason, don’t let them in your house. Halt them at the front door and tell them sorry, but the bed, couch, TV, whatever, just sold 15 minutes ago. Do not let them in! You are under no obligation to sell them anything.
4. Stick to your price. People will try and talk you down, especially if they know you have to sell. Don’t be unreasonable with your pricing, but stick to your guns. You need the money. If they want it badly enough, they’ll pay for it. If they don’t, someone else will.
Some tips if you’re buying:
1. Firstly, and this is the biggest so listen closely: Don’t be a dick. Turn up on time, be polite, and if something happens and you can’t make it, let the seller know. Manners, people, manners.
2. The seller is under no obligation to sell you their item. If you demand stuff that is above and beyond, like insisting that the seller spends three hours of their time and a few hundred of their dollars getting a mechanical check on the car that you want to buy from them, before you commit to a sale, don’t be surprised when they tell you where to get off. If you want a check done on a car (that’s only 3 years old and has a full history) then get it done on your time at your expense. They have mobile mechanics these days that will come to the house. This is not the seller’s responsibility. Neither is it their duty to purchase a warranty out of their pocket for the car you want to buy, again before you commit to the sale. That’s just not on, peeps.
3. If you purchase some furniture on behalf of someone else, for example, a homeless man that you have put up in an apartment, and need some cheap but good stuff, don’t mistake the seller’s friendly personality as someone you can bully. If she feels like helping you help the homeless man by knocking some off the price and giving you a bunch of free stuff (lamps, pictures, etc) don’t change your mind and ask for a refund after you’ve picked the items up and left. If you change your mind, tough luck. The seller is not a shop. You can’t have a refund. If the seller doesn’t give you the refund you demand, don’t then insult her via numerous text messages and tell her what a horrible human being she is. You got a bunch of free stuff. She’s by herself with no husband to make her feel protected. Feeling like she needs to check all the doors and window locks in the house and go to bed with the phone in her hand in case you turn up in the middle of the night, is not fun for her. She’s probably blocked your number but she knows you know where she lives. You, Sir, are a dick.
4. If you purchase some furniture but don’t secure it in the back of your van and drive like a bat out of hell so the items fly around in the back and get damaged, it is not the seller’s fault. Don’t call her. She doesn’t care and neither does she have a friend that can fix it for you. Just because you have her number and she was friendly and helpful, doesn’t mean she gives a shit after you’ve left her driveway. Leave her alone.
Not everyone is like the examples above. Every once in a while – well, only once for me in this whole process – there’ll be someone who restores your faith in humanity. The couple who bought the husband’s car, Jerry the Jeep, were polite, funny, honest, and engaging. I could’ve talked to them for a few hours. If I had the time I and didn’t mind looking like a crazy old woman in their eyes, I would have invited them in for a wine or three. But that would’ve been weird, so I didn’t. These guys wanted a bigger car to transport their fur babies, and who wouldn’t buy a car for that purpose? I love people who are dedicated to their pets. It’s adorable, and makes me have a little faith in the human race. I like it when the Fates show me that not all people suck. Thanks, guys. ❤
So that’s it. Be careful who comes into your house, and if you don’t have a significant other that can provide that backup, I’ll send you John’s number. He doesn’t require payment but loves it when you turn up with a six pack and some neighbourhood gossip.
Jerry the Jeep is now named James. Here he is with his new owners, Bentley (the lab) and Benjamin (the sausage) I love how they’re all colour coordinated! (Photo used with permission of the new owners)
Till next time,